So, after years of research and development we are proud to announce the release of what we believe to be the ultimate in carpet cleaning technology. It would take even Google and Apple years to trump what we are unveiling here and now for the first time. It’s the worldwide release of our spectacular 32-step cleaning process. And here it is:

1. Alarm goes off 6:00 am.
2. Hit snooze button.
3. Shower
4. Put on my cleanest dirty clothes
5. Have a cigarette
6. Call for my route for the day
7. Complain about my route for the day
8. Stop for coffee and donuts
9. Have a cigarette
10. Clean coffee spill off my wrinkled shirt
11. Try to GPS my first stop – no signal
12. Thomas Guide page missing
13. Call customer for directions
14. I’m lost, turn off radio, have another cigarette
15. Stop by gas station for directions
16. Look for translator for directions
17. Arrive at my 8:00 am job at 9:22 am
18. Meet customer, she is really nice
19. Have a cigarette while setting up equipment
20. Text my girlfriend
21. Start to clean carpets
22. Take a cigarette break and text my girlfriend
23. No text back, call my girlfriend
24. Have a fight, break up with my girlfriend
25. Kick my equipment
26. Repair my equipment
27. Finish cleaning carpet
28. Look for a working pen in truck while smoking a cigarette
29. Borrow customer’s pen to fill out invoice
30. Keep customer’s pen
31. Two days later clean up oil spots on customer’s driveway
32. Return customer’s pen, ask for a referral

By now I’m sure you are in awe at our technological prowess. In the digital tech business one is lucky if they can stay a few months ahead of their competition. We are so far ahead of ours that I can truly say we can comfortably rest on our laurels for many years to come.

The first day I checked the traps, I saw a cute little raccoon trapped. I really debated on whether to release the raccoon myself or call the company. They charge $75.00 a trip so, me being the company man I am, I decided to release the raccoon myself. When I got close to the cage the raccoon roared so viciously that being a company man wasn’t so important all of a sudden. Eventually I did let the raccoon out. When I opened the cage I ran one way and the raccoon ran in the opposite direction. My respect for raccoons jumped way up there with the likes of the saber tooth tiger.

Finally, after a possum and a few stray cats, we did captured some skunks. We called the company out and they took the skunks and released them in the hills. Talking with the guy who catches the skunks I learned that skunks can pinpoint their spray. They try to spray the face or they can spray a broad area for a quick escape. The skunk’s spray is an oil based compound mixed with sulfuric acid. It sticks to whatever it comes in contact with. A skunk can spray 8 to 15 feet.

We do 8 to 10 jobs per year where dogs, who get sprayed by a skunk, run into the house and rub up against carpets and upholstery trying to get the smell off. The result is everything smells like skunk spray.

To handle the problem we have to use a germicidal cleaning agent which breaks down the oil and neutralizes the sulfuric acid. As long as we clean everything the dog has come into contact with, we get good results removing the odor.

As far as cleaning the dog, clean as quick as possible. The longer the spray stays on the dog the harder it is to get out. I recommend Nature’s Miracle Skunk Odor Remover. If you have pets and you’ve experienced skunks, it would be a good idea to keep a couple of bottles on-hand in case of an emergency.

Manufacturers often don’t take into consideration the cleaning and maintenance of the furniture when they design it.  Most people shop for style and often put less emphasis on durability and maintenance, unless, of course, they have a bevy of young boys running around.

As a rule of thumb, the more expensive a piece of furniture is the more difficult it is to clean as more exotic fabrics tend to be used.  This is not always the case, but if you have a significant investment in your upholstered furniture, it is wise to seek out experienced and highly trained specialists to clean it.

Even they can be surprised.  We’ve encountered a familiar colorfast cotton material that had a different colored backing that bled through when cleaned and stained the surface.   This is unusual but has happened.   In this case we had to reupholster the seat cushions to restore the sofa.

The art comes from visualizing the end result of the cleaning.  There’s an overall look to the finished product that transcends the technical aspects of the cleaning.  You can actually get something too clean.  Material, like anything else, tends to oxidize.  Also, some areas wear differently than other areas causing the light to refract differently giving it a different look.  A skilled technician will take these factors into consideration when cleaning the upholstery.   His goal is not only cleaning it but giving it a pleasing appearance.  This sometimes means not overworking a spot or just lightly touching upon the front and sides so they look similar to the more worn and soiled areas.  An inexperienced cleaner can actually make a sofa, though very clean, look worse after cleaning it.

There have been occasions where, upon inspection, we’ve recommended just vacuuming the sofa rather than cleaning it.  In some cases the customer has insisted we clean the furniture only to later complain the sofa looked worse.  The irony is there’s no remedy as this problem was cleaning it, and more cleaning won’t help.

As with anything, you need to match the solution to the problem.  You wouldn’t take a Bentley to a Ford mechanic and, conversely, you wouldn’t want to pay a Bentley mechanic to work on a Ford.  This is not to say that skilled upholstery cleaners are a lot more expensive than less skilled ones.  But if you value your upholstery, I would suggest skipping unrealistically low priced services.  You’re not going to get a prime aged filet at a restaurant for $6.95 no matter what the advertisement or the menu says.  It’s just not doable.  Something’s amiss.   The old adage, “You get what you pay for” is not infallibly true.  There are bargains, and some things are overpriced.  But it’s a place to start from when making a purchasing decision.

Hope this helps!

Looking down on the street through the rain covered window, I see him run toward the front of the building.  As I listen to him climb the stairs, I reach into the top desk drawer and pull out my piece.

I flip the cylinder open, glance at the dead eyes of the back of the shells.  I take another sip of bourbon and set the bottle down.

I set the revolver down on the desk, then pick it up again.  Last time just having it on the desk made him nervous.  Time to up the ante a bit.

The door opens as I place the barrel in my mouth.  Our eyes lock, and I realize the metal is colder than it looks.

“Look Mac, I really need your ren….”, he trails off as the realization of what he’s seeing washes over him.

My mouth currently intimately engaged with the gun in my hand, I say nothing.

Normally the double click of the action as I thumb back the hammer is kind of comforting.  Not so much this time.  I actually see the beads of sweat pop out on his forehead as a look of horror climbs over his face.

“I, I…” he stutters then turns and flees the room.  Maybe a week ’til he digs up enough courage to come back.

I unlock the front sight from behind my teeth and put the gun back on the desk.  I lift the bottle for another sip.

I stand and step across the room to close the door, my eyes flickering over the doorplate.

Mike McNess  -  Private Detective

That’s me.  I’m the guy you come to when you’re desperate, when all the chips are down.

The smell of urine hits me from the couch.  Damn poodle.  The Senator’s girl was a class act, but that little dog was a monster.

Gotta get that cleaned, and soon.  As I round the desk, I notice the food spots and spills on the carpet.  Gotta call the cleaners tomorrow morning.  Those guys are good at what they do.  Cleaned a lot of things out of a lot of carpets for me.

Quality Carpet Cleaning, that’s them.  It’s hard to find a good cleaner in my business, and I appreciate quality.  In my women, in my bourbon, and in the guys who get stuck cleaning up after me.

I sit down, take another sip, and watch the rain fall.

That’s me. Mike (Mac) McNess. Private Dick.

I’m the guy with a gun in his mouth.

That’s right, if you wanted a rug, you went out and hunted something that would look good on the floor of your cave.  I can hear the “fur is murder!” screams from here.  Face it, as far as animals go, food wrapped in clothes is a tough hint to ignore.

So a deer might be a few nice meals and a shirt, but if you’re going to carpet the entire floor of your cave it’s really hard to beat a mammoth.  Covers a lot of space.  This is how you end up with five guys with spears trying to bring down a fur covered elephant.  On the face of it, pretty insane.

My guess, beer was involved somewhere in the decision making process.  The next time you wonder how you could have done something so stupid last night, remember, whatever it was, it didn’t involve attacking a two ton mammal with a sharp stick.

I digress.  Back to wet reindeer.

As all of us who have ever owned a dog know wet fur smells horrific.  Terrible.  Only thing worse is burning hair — which is what you get when you try to dry a fur rug over an open fire.  So fur rugs and rain, not a great mix for our friendly barbarian, especially if you add beer.  Actually anytime you add beer to anything involving fire the results are going to be interesting.

So I’m guessing woven rugs were a pretty big improvement.  And since you know the women were doing the weaving, men could just avoid that “crushed by a mammoth” scene and stick with drinking beer and hunting a deer for dinner.

Civilization:  the direct result of beer and bad smells.  What does that have to do with reindeer?  Not a damn thing.

- Wayne

The following is my daughter’s attempt to help me with my advertising. It was written, unsolicited, in 1994 when she was ten. I’ve reprinted it exactly as she wrote it, misspellings and all, except I put it in paragraphs. Obviously, the prices don’t apply any more. Sorry!!!!!

Quality Carpet Cleaning

Quality Carpet Cleaning is the best cleaning business you can find. They do all kinds of furniture. They don’t rip off people either. They will be glad to wash your furniture. So call them today. You won’t be sorry. They can make the oldest, dirtiest furniture look almost new.

If you want a good quality job, clean, fresh furniture, fast, frendly service then you want Quality Carpet Cleaning. Two rooms cost 40 dollars / Minimum Purchase 2 Rooms/ regular price 60 dollars. The entire house special 90 dollars / Maximum 6 Cleaning Areas/ Regular Price 120 dollars! Free chair cleaned with any sofa!

They can remove more dirt then other cleaning company. They know you deserve clean and comfortable things. All of their costumers are glad they went to them. And when the costumers are glad, they are too.

The owner of the company, Al Moses is a good and playful owner. Connie his wife is the more serios kind. His wife is another owner of the company. They want you to be happy. So call them and you will. To call use the number at the bottom. As I said befor, you won’t be sorry. We had are house cleaned by Quality Carpet Cleaning, and when we got home I could hardly recognize it, every thing was wight, it smelled good too. I felt more comfortable after that. Don’t think I don’t know what I’m talking about just because I’m ten, because I do. So call them at: {800} 675-7768.

How about uncle Jack who flails his beer around as he describes his last round of golf. He has no awareness of the spotted question mark he just left on your carpet. Or those annoying people who carry dogs in their handbags and let them run loose on your carpet doing who knows what in hidden places your olfactory discovers later on a hot day — blind to your tense expression and exploring eyes.

Are these not all signs of being dead? And wait, there’s more!

Or how about your best friend from college who brings her three young kids over every time she visits your pristine bachelorette apartment. Would a living person not notice your horror and you trying to see in three different directions at the same time?

It’s bad enough to have to clean up the mess a drunk friend made at a party; but the real rub is their not apologizing or even acknowledging what they put you through because they have no memory of the event. And, of course, you’re too polite to mention it to them. Dead! Dead!! Dead!!!

You can always superglue uncle Jack’s hands to his forehead, adopt a large alley cat who hates dogs, rescue a Rottweiler from a shelter for dogs abused by kids, or scrape up your friend’s mess and put it in his pocket. But none of these solutions will prevent this and other situations like this from occurring in the future.

I recommend adopting a zombie. They don’t need to be fed or put to bed. They don’t talk or do things that may disturb you. They just sit there catatonically until you rouse them to do your bidding. The cool thing about all this is once the word gets out you own a zombie people will start to wake up around you and notice when you are unhappy about something. So, though there will be the occasional cleanup of blood and guts from those that are truly oblivious, you’ll need to have your carpets cleaned a lot less often overall. And besides, you will probably find yourself applauded by a host of mutual friends.

I’m in the carpet cleaning business and I’ve been told by my financial advisers that it’s foolish to show potential customers how to save money on carpet cleaning. But I would be socially remiss if I didn’t share what I know from years of experience in this business. I am always available for more advice if you need it. Just email us and I will respond. Always glad to help!

On the other hand, time is your enemy as well. The sooner you can remove the spot from your carpet or furniture, the less likely it is to stain the fabric. Thus you have a classic, damned if you do — damned if you don’t scenario.

The following is a link to an excellent spot cleaning chart from the Carpet and Rug Institute. However, I would highly recommend reading the rest of this article before attempting to remove a spot yourself.

Spot cleaning chart from the Carpet and Rug Institute

If you’re not certain you can get the spot out yourself, it’s best to call a professional carpet cleaner out as soon as possible. If you do attempt to clean the spot yourself and fail, there is still a good chance a professional carpet cleaner can still get the spot out, but it is even more important to act quickly.

Expect to have to get the whole room or piece of furniture cleaned if it hasn’t been cleaned recently as cleaning one spot can make the rest of it look dirty.

A lot of carpet cleaning companies have spot cleaning tips or procedures on their web site as a feature for their visitors. These often involve the use of products not readily available to the average consumer. Also, some of the remedies involve techniques that require a bit of skill to apply. A high percentage of these spot removal techniques require the use of multiple steps and products increasing your chances of permanent staining if you fail. This is not to say they don’t work. On the contrary, most of them work if applied properly using the correct products and techniques to a correctly identified stain.

I’m not trying to discourage you from do-it-yourself spot cleaning. I’m just trying to give you a complete picture of what’s involved so you can weigh all the factors before deciding what to do.

The carpeting in our bedrooms is sixteen years old, pink and full of little stains. When I spill something I just grab a few things and do the best I can. If it gets most of it out and leaves a little stain I’m fine with it because the carpet is not in great shape to begin with. So, It’s all relative. If my carpet was in excellent condition I wouldn’t hesitate to call a carpet cleaner.

It’s sad to see customers ruin thousands of dollars worth of carpet to try to save a few dollars. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Stanley Steemer commercial where the driver of the van stops in front of a discarded carpet lying by the curb and gets out, hugs it and starts crying, “Why! Why! I could have saved you …” Oh well, enough plugging my competitor.

Many potential permanent stains can be avoided. I would not recommend polishing your nails over a carpeted or upholstered area. Drinks with food coloring like fruit punches or Kool-Aid also present a difficult problem. These substances can actually dye your carpet.

If your carpet is fabric protected and you catch the spill immediately, you can often blot up the spill and prevent a stain. Keep in mind protectors lose their effectiveness over time and need to be periodically reapplied.

Professional carpet cleaners have products available to them that the average consumer won’t find in the super market. They also are trained in what product to use with what spot. Trial and error can be deadly in spot cleaning as each failed attempt compounds the problem.

All said, the good news is that most spills don’t leave a permanent stain and there’s a good chance that even if you do the wrong thing a professional can correct the situation. I hope the above helps you make the right decision if the need arises.

I bought the best spot cleaner for carpets, sprayed it on and the spot was gone. The spot came back a little bigger and uglier a few weeks later. I went to Home Depot and spoke to the specialist in the overhead lights isle and he recommended I use the spot cleaner the professionals use. This spotter worked so good it removed everything from grease, food, soda and even took some of the color out of my carpet as a bonus. And the spots still came back bigger and uglier. I was tempted to leave the spot to cover up the loss of color.

However, I did not give up so I went online for some self carpet spotting tips and I read about using low ph detergents, high ph detergents, enzymes, neutral detergents, dry solvents, wet solvents . . . I read that it could be a wicking problem. So I got rid of all the candles in the house but the spots still came back.

I really don’t know what’s worse, my carpet or the look that I have been getting from my wife. We all know that look. Even our marriage counselor said that I am a cheap bastard for not having the carpets professionally cleaned. (I think that’s why he has me prepay for our sessions!) My back is against the wall on this one so I came up with a great idea.

I contacted the guy who always cleans my carpets and I told him I think I have a wicking problem. He asked if I tried getting rid of all the candles and I said yes. Then he laughed for 10 minutes before telling me the internet is only for sports (so he’s a guy!) — nothing else. He explained that it wasn’t wicking. That happens when carpets are old or have not been cleaned for a long time. Deep soil will rise to the surface after the cleaning. In such a case, the carpet usually needs more than one cleaning to get the soil out.

He came out and did some tests on my carpet and found that there was a lot of residue from the spot cleaning as well as a ph imbalance which was causing my carpet to yellow. He explained that a lot of spot cleaners are too high in concentration and generally designed to handle a multitude of various stains. Professional’s have specific spotters for specific stains (a professional will treat a milk stain different than a grease stain). Sometimes self spotting carpets can make things much worse especially when you don’t rinse the spotting solution out.

My carpet now looks great and no stains have come back. It looks like my roof is leaking, so on to a new project.

House dust mites are microscopic bugs that primarily live on dead skin cells shed from people and their pets. Skin cells, commonly called dander, are often concentrated in mattresses, frequently used furniture and associated carpeted areas. Since mites prefer warm, moist surroundings such as the inside of a mattress when someone is on it, beds are the primary habitat. Also, bedroom carpeting and household upholstery support high mite populations.

Are Dust Mites Harmful?

Dust mites are harmless to most people. They don’t carry diseases but they can cause allergic reactions in asthmatics and others who are allergic to their feces. Their microscopic shed skins and feces are a major constituent of house dust that induces allergic reactions in some individuals. There is a genetic predisposition to dust mite allergies, but like many allergies it can also develop over time.

Depending on the person and exposure, reactions can range from itchy eyes to asthma attacks. Symptoms are usually respiratory in nature–sneezing, itching, watery eyes, wheezing, etc. Other allergic reactions may include headaches, fatigue and depression. People with allergies to house dust usually also have allergic reactions from dust mites. A doctor can use skin tests and blood tests to confirm a suspected dust mite allergy.

It is important to note that if no one in your home has an allergic reaction from dust mites there is nothing to worry about from their presence. They are microscopic and harmless unless allergic.

How do you Detect Them?

In general practice, testing is unnecessary.  Dust mites are extremely common in household environments. They virtually always show up in a test, so testing just adds expense.  A better question than “Are dust mites present?” is “How can I control or remove them?”

What Can You Do?

Dust mites are nearly impossible to get rid of, but reducing allergens will help those suffering from dust-mite allergy and asthma. Recommendations focus on dust control. One must reduce the concentration of dust borne allergens in the living environment by controlling both allergen production and the dust which serves to transport it. Here are some recommendations:

1. The most effective means is to get dust mite proof bedding covers and pillow cases.
2. Frequently wash all blankets, mattress pads and comforters in hot water greater than130 degrees F.. Cold and warm water won’t kill mites. Also wash curtains.
3. Freezing and sunlight kills mites but do not remove their residue.  Additionally, extended exposure to sunlight and lower levels of humidity also destroy mites.
4. Simply leaving your bed unmade each morning, with the sheets exposed to the air allowing them to dry out, can substantially reduces the numbers of dust mites.
5. Regularly place soft toys in the freezer for 24 hours before you wash them, or wash them in hot water. Removing them, or at least reducing the number of them on the bed, will also help.
6. Use synthetic fabrics. Replace feather and down pillows with those having synthetic fillings. Replace woolen blankets with nylon or cotton cellulose ones. Get washable stuffed animals.
7. Reduce temperature and humidity. Dust mites love warm, humid conditions, above 70 F (21 C) and 50% humidity.
8. Keep the house clean. Dust mites, pollens, animal dander and the allergy causing agents can be reduced, although not eliminated, through regular cleaning. On floors use a damp mop or rag to remove dust. A dry cloth or broom just stirs up mite allergens.
9. Vacuum frequently, at least once a week, with a good HEPA vacuum.Though better than a non-HEPA vacuum, a HEPA vacuum can still make the airborne spore content worse. So it’s best to follow vacuuming by opening the windows to air out the house for a few hours. Anyone allergic should either not be present during the vacuuming or wear a particulate mask.
10. Clean or replace the air filters on your furnace or air conditioner at least once a month. Filters that are rated to trap allergens are obviously more effective than plain spun glass ones.
11. While it is better to stop the dust mites at the source, reducing the dust levels in the air with a good air purifier is a good secondary measure.

Multiple Allergies

When a person has an allergy to dust mites, they are usually also allergic to other allergens. So just targeting dust mites may not fully abate symptoms. You may need to address other areas of your lifestyle for additional relief.

Summary

Being in the carpet cleaning business I’ve encountered a lot of concern from customers about dust mites. The main reason I assembled this article it to put at ease those who are not allergic. There is nothing to worry about. A lot of the scary data out there about dust mites is put out by companies to sell their products and services.

This is just a brief summary but if you have an allergy there are things you can do. I would recommend you take the time to fully research the subject on the web. You will also find detailed information about things like bedding, vacuum cleaner brands and ratings, pet dander control, and so forth. There are a lot of things that can help.